Sybil? Sybil?

     I was reading a series of books by Ellen Langer, an Ivy League psychologist who runs experiments on people about perceptions and writes books about "being mindful." She started painting and found much joy in just creating. No training. No MFA. Just pure enjoyment. But when she painted the same item more than once, it lost its charm. Its spontaneity. Before she was aware of the feeling of putting the brush to canvas. It explains why I like to do things once. After that, the fun is gone. There is no more discovery. Doing multiples for craft shows was a chore- not a joy. I had cleaned out my studio a few weeks ago, and started buying more books (it is truly an addiction) and found one about crowns. I made ONE several years ago, but the paper and glitter and ephemera in the book made me want to get up and make something.

     So I did it. I painted a canvas and added glitter, shells, more glitter and (ready?) more glitter. So much fun. Two days of painting and gluing and glitter. SO fun! No expectations. No guilt. And a bit of  "in your face" to those who "define" art. And frames.
     And as frustrated as I am with work, little victories help. Checks that come in; a pledge over the phone; a cookie bake-off; an egg drop. Michael Kaiser (?) from the Kennedy Center said that to keep staffs happy you have to give them reasons to stay. I'm not sure if anyone in leadership is going to make this happen, but I know my co-workers/conspirators can keep us moving forward. Most people don't leave right before a big project- they are invested in it and want to see it through. Well, in nonprofits, there are always projects to see through. A lot of projects. And a lot of guilt. I'll push through as Christine and Roberta recommend, and dream on my own time.
   We are preparing for Easter and for our trip. First, Rosie is heading to the store for the fourth time. We're going to sunrise mass and then coming back here for Easter/birthday breakfast. I must say, I spend more time preparing for colored eggs and breakfast than I did on Lent itself. We're making her birthday cake in the shape of a lamb, but with the vienna torte frosting. I think I'll hot cross buns too. Never seem to get them done for Good Friday, but maybe Holy Saturday?
     Matthew, Grace and I will leave around noon for Tennessee- Nashville, Murfreesboro and McMinnville. Grace had convinced herself and us that this is where she needs to go to school. So far away. But I think for her this is a good thing. A big university, close to the music industry; the "real" college experience. Of course, I'm panicking because of the alcohol and rape cases on campuses today. Did you know that if you say "I'm sorry. I'm an alcoholic and I need help," that the school will feel sorry for the rapist and not kick him out? How is it that if you're drunk and set a lab on fire, or rob somebody, you can't say "I have a drinking problem," and get away with it? But you can kill a young women's spirit/soul/being and all is forgiven? Coed dorms. Alcohol. Drugs. One in eight girls are abused on campuses. So scary. And she will be so far away.
     Focus. So Monday, we get a tour of the school. Monday night, we get to see Uncle Jim and Aunt Jan and their home. He said the dogwoods are blooming. Tuesday is Nashville. Wednesday we'll go see my Grandpa in southern Illinois. He said Poplar runs north and south and Main Street runs east and west, and he's on South Land Street. Haven't seen him since Tom's wedding. Wednesday night, we head to Tom and Tish's new house in northwest Indiana, where I grew up. Friday we visit Grace's second mom, Mary, in Chillicothe, Ohio. We lived there for almost 11 years before coming to Delaware. When I landed my first "real" job (it was politics, so Matthew never considered politics "real" jobs:), Mary took care of Grace. Mary and Doug were wonderful friends, and I can't wait to see them!
   Now I must shower, bake and pack. The sun is shining, so I have some energy. The homes around us have beautiful flowering trees. The forsythia is in bloom, as are the daffodils. I think we picked a good week to travel.
    

Self-loathing

Not really. But I have to get real. The honeymoon's over. The day-to-day is soooo mundane. I need to fall in love again----with my job. Development directors have an average shelf life of 17 months. That's two full fundraising galas, two grant writing cycles, and the reality of boards and nonprofit life. God help us all. We want more than to survive. We want to thrive. But when you bring in new ideas, nurture them, defend them, recycle them, sell them and measure them, you start to get very tired. Burned out. How many of us have stood in heels and plastically smiled while the chair thanks us for doing OUR JOB, and only a few hours later, kick off the heels and drag garbage cans and tables in our skirts. I'm exhausted. Nervous about this year's goals. Nervous that my office may soon have padded walls. Nervous that there may be no growth or advancement opportunities. Nervous that people will find out that I'm not brilliant. Or perfect. Or sane. Or in love. I need to push through. I've bailed and seen many people bail when this feeling comes over us- like boredom or denial or frustration. We shut down and look for the next good thing; the next fix; the next idea rush; the next person who massages our bruised and ignored egos. But this time, I'm going to stick it out. I'm going to figure out how those other people manage to stay with an organization for years. How they stay committed, focused, engaged, and able to continue to inspire others. Once I solve the mystery of the creative Sybil syndrome, I'll report back. There just might be a cure.

Oooh! Spring?

Wow. 2010 just won't slow down. The last few days have been Springtime gorgeous! It makes me so happy. Today? Not so much. A rainy nor'easter. Who knew?

I did walk in the Master's ceremony on Jan. 31 and skipped the undergrad. I got to carry my own sign (Management with honors). Mom and dad and Matthew got to go, and the girls tried to watch on the computer. Apparently it cut out when I got on stage. My sister and her husband came in from Connecticut and my in-laws came from Long Island.  It was a very nice day.

The next weekend was supposed to be the Family/Alumni Weekend and DCAD, but we got hit with a good ol' fashioned Noreaster. Delaware gets some snow in the winter, but we were hit with back-to-back storms. Matthew was out shoveling at 2 in the morning. He got quite a work out. The weekend of Grace's musical (Footloose) we were hit again. Lots of days off for everyone.

The big weekend was postponed until March 5-7. We had over 225 people attend the Student Exhibition closing, and 279 people broke the Guinness World's Record for most people painting simultaneously. It was amazing! All those people of all ages painting intensely for three minutes. Dad was there keeping the stopwatch with Matthew, while Mom tried to rescue all the poor paintbrushes crammed into the cups of water while unknowingly chastising my boss (she knew she was chastising, she didn't know he was the president) about the brushes. Board members showed up with their friends and families. I haven't had a chance to write thank you notes yet because...

I came into work on Monday with my desk overflowing. Time to get the Sponsor and Patron packages out for the fundraiser. Tuesday was my co-worker's shower and I made two yule logs and place three little gumpaste bluebirds on one of the cakes. So cute. Wednesday, pull down the artwork in the gallery so we can photograph it, ask students if we can sell it, and then create the artwork catalog. Today I'm supposed to submit my 2010-11 budget for discussion. Rosie's musical Urinetown is this weekend. Both families are coming in. I need to get to the grocery store (Barbecued Shrimp and Corn Cakes, salad and Tropical Cake with Coconut Cream Cheese Frosting). I need to get to work and put my scribblings in to the computer. I need to get my entry done for the Graceful Envelope Contest.

Matthew's on a wacky shift schedule for his school, and weekends we have the families here. Our 25th Anniversary is next week, and we're putting off any special trip for now. The girls are having birthdays, so we're just about to hit 22, 23, 24 and 17. Everyone's lives are so busy. I get to see my friends/co-workers/co-conspirators every day, but my other friends are an occasional comment on Facebook. I need to change that. I need to make 2010 count for something. I need 201 to SLOW DOWN.

Killing time

I'm obsessed with checking my transcript on Wilmington University's website. My Master's has not been conferred due to a substitution that was made for a required class. The substitution was authorized by the head of the department (and my thesis mentor) because the required class was not in the catalog at the time I was registering. But he has not told the auditor yet. Argh.

If I don't get to walk in Sunday's grad ceremony, I have to leave the family and friend luncheon to go walk in the Bachelor's. Or maybe turn it into a bruncheon instead. I really don't want this to happen, BUT I have a co-worker who hated that I was in school, left early for school and enjoyed school. She said she was sick of hearing me talk about it. This will allow me to talk about it for another 5 months- until I can walk in the May ceremony. How delicious.

5 minutes have passed. I have to check again.

Finished

I write a blog every day in my head. I paint pictures in my head. I clean every room. In my head. This is pretty indicative of me. Start something. Learn the technique. Get bored. Move on.

But for once I have finished something. I started it so long ago. I went to college, as planned. Theatre major. Had opportunities, but was too naive to understand what was happening. Fell in love. Quit school. Chose a path of wife and mother. Volunteer. Coach. Talked myself into believing I didn't need to finish.

Each time we moved, I felt myself looking at the local colleges. But young babies and a military salary don't allow much time or money for school. Plus, what would I study? I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I got close a few times. I enrolled at Ohio Dominican, but was disappointed with my options. I was accepted to the Columbus College of Art and Design but knew that driving to Columbus and the hours needed in the studio would be nearly impossible. I enrolled at Ohio University, but Matthew and I decided to move to Delaware, so I "unenrolled."  I always felt unfinished. I wanted my girls to know that I needed an education and so did they. I had bosses tell me that they couldn't pay me a full salary because I didn't have my degree. Twenty years of volunteering, working and parenting. Constantly reading and studying and learning- outside the classroom.

In 2006 I decided I had to try again. I talked to a counselor at Wilmington University and started the Fusion program- finish your Bachelor's in 18 months. Spring 2007, I hit the "delete" button and eliminated all the classes I had signed up for...and I sobbed. I decided to pay for a chiropractor instead of tuition. But by Fall 2007 I couldn't take it anymore. I enrolled full-time. I was writing and reading and discussing and loving it!

On Sunday, I will walk in the graduation ceremony. I will receive my Bachelor's and my Master's. I finished. Not at the top of my class, but with Honors. My thesis on a non-profit management curriculum has the possibility of being implemented at the school someday. I finished that, too. I look around my house, and it's not done. I haven't written in my blog every day. I can't even get IN my studio to paint (though I bought a new canvas). But I am happy....content. I have mentally beaten myself up for twenty five years because of unfinished projects, stories, dreams, weight loss, etc. But I finished my degree, and added a second for good measure. Don't mess with me. Don't pay me less. I am a powerhouse and I am on a roll. Watch out closets and cupboards and paint brushes. You're next.

Let's try this again....2010

So, at the beginning of 2009, my co-workers and I gathered in an unused studio classroom, and created resolution tags. Jane always has these great mailing manila tags, and we brought magazines, pens, stickers and glue sticks to embellish the tags. I can't remember the few that I made- which is pretty sad because they hang on a chandelier above my office desk. But I do remember the main ones: plant flowers (nope), get healthy (still no), and university (either get a job at one or finish my degree). This one I can honestly say I half accomplished. After 24 years, I finished my Bachelor's and Master's. I also surpassed my salary goal. It wasn't a resolution, but having had a disappointing salary issue ealier in the year, I was happy to be making an adult amount of money.
     Now it's the beginning of 2010, and I'm not any thinner or healthier. I never gardened. But I wrote lots of papers and worked with a lot of classmates on team projects, and it really opened my eyes to new ways of solving problems, dealing with different personalities, and digging deeper.
    What's on tap for this year? I'm really not sure. I really have to lose weight. I have to unclutter the house. I want to paint things. I want the girls to find jobs, and schools and happiness. But right now I just want to enjoy. To relax on the weekends with Matthew, go to a movie, read the books I've started, and cook. Savor 2010.

Checking In

I'm trying so hard to focus on school and keep everything straight. Group projects, papers, analyzing strategic plans. Haven't looked at my thesis in weeks. The house is a disaster, as usual. Sold some books and art materials at the DCAD sale, but it didn't even make a dent in my "stuff."

I don't believe in multi-tasking. My brain goes in too many directions as it is. I believe in doing one thing at a time, but the world doesn't agree with me. Let me just finish my sales list, before I move on the Annual Appeal letter. Let me refine my grant calendar and collect my documents, before I prepare for the next project. Ah well.