New Lease

I have this incredible desire to....nevermind. Another day.

Just because

Just because I am sitting here at the computer, and there was a reason I got on here, but I don't remember what that was so I got on Facebook and saw pictures of my friend Sandy from elementary school and saw that she had a million friends already, so I looked at all the people she had as friends which led me to look a this one person's page who I was never friends with and their they were- the pictures of the popular people having fun in high school, going to parties, laughing, always smiling, like nothing ever bothered them because they were beautiful and athletic and popular and it seemed like they all came from rich families with older parents, and I know this all seems silly, but there is something about Facebook that stirs up the loneliness of high school (for me, the awkward weird girl), and it's interesting because some people have looked me up and shared stories with me that I would never have expected to hear, but am honored that they feel they can share them with me, so I guess Facebook can help the unconnected feel connected, remind us of how fabulous/sucky high school was and make me glad I am a grown up and can choose who I play with. the end.

I have to say this.

I grew up in Indiana. Northwest, in Hobart, next to Gary. I thought I grew up in the state of Chicago. We were south of Lake Michigan and had the Dunes National Lakeshore nearby. When I was younger, I was embarrassed by the corn fields and "the Midwest" stereotype, and couldn't wait to leave. Typical for young people. The grass is always greener, etc. But now I know better- because people in the Midwest are content, they are honest and they are loving. Not all of them, but the ones I know. My family, my friends. Not perfect, but I know them. I trust them.

Growing up in Indiana- I was not deprived of culture. I cannot stand when people assume that if you're from the Midwest you are somehow "lacking." How dare you. How dare you say that if someone stays in the Midwest it means that they don't know any better? That they don't have the benefit of your wisdom, your knowledge, your...whatever. What is it that they think we missed in Indiana? Art? Had it. Education? Had it. Diversity? Had it. Music? Had it. Scenic landscape? Had it. Water? Had it. Sports? Had it. I cannot think of what was missing. Snobs? yeah- they were there. Racism? Yup. Liberals? Yup. Conservatives? Yup. Religion? Yup- all of them.

I have lived all over the country and there are commonalities- the rich, the poor, the ignorant, the well-meaning, the shallow, the bigoted, the martyrs, the drunk, the lazy, the hard-working, the people I wish I could be more like.

Was my life perfect in Indiana? No. Would I move back there? Absolutely. It's not an option for me, but given the chance- I would. The smell of the corn in the summer, the apples in the fall. The bitter wind in the winter and the sound of the robins in the spring. I would go back.

Edit

Christine gives me a hard time for not posting enough. So here is a quickie before I get ready for work. These were the blogs written in my head this week:
Feeling peaceful.
Being angry.
Losing confidence.
Frustrated with "art."
Love my job. Hate my job.
Loving Matthew: Christine- turn your head. I stop at home between meetings and Matthew asks if we are alone. I say- only for a minute. He asks-do we have enough time? I say- not enough to do it properly; to which he responds: I'm ready to do it improperly. I love this guy.

I'm trying to do something nice for his parents' 5oth next weekend- even though they are unaware (I think). Grace is cleaning out her room and donating clothes. Heavy sigh. I'm trying to keep my job, but my paranoia is rearing its ugly head. My eldest is 25 today. Rosie had a job interview. Emily is far away. Life keeps moving, but I'm frozen.

Ok. Ok.

I've been reading blogs every day while on vacation and not posting anything. Well, not posting anything physically. What you need to know is that I do all of my projects and blogs and chores in my head. There, they are complete. I may seem like a slacker for not finishing things, but they are complete- in my mind. I write a blog everyday. I finish a painting or a calligraphy piece- every day. I am actually quite busy in my little brain. Putting it down in physical words or on canvas seems redundant. I have already written this. So it seems insincere and not spontaneous when I type it. I like to write things once. It flows out of me and onto the paper or into Word, and there it is perfect. Leave it alone. If you edit it, I am offended. There is a reason it is written that way. Rarely has someone made significant changes that I agree with. I know this sounds rather obnoxious and "prima dona" but the words and their arrangement is mine.


Vacation has been interesting this year. We are 16 people in two condos- next door to each other, yet it seems like we are on separate vacations. Normally we rent a house in New England and we are all together- though we were on different floors a few years ago. Still, it felt more unified. The family is growing and new members have joined us. There are babies to accommodate, young adults who get bored. They are too young to go to bars, and too poor to do anything but hang with the family. When they wander away, I have this image of Natalie Holloway, and the press judging me, "How could you let them go off on their own? You are a terrible mother and this is your fault."




We know next year we will go back to New England, but there are pluses and minuses to everything. There is spectacular golf for the men-folk. The ocean and beaches are so much nicer here. But it is damn expensive. Holy Christmas! Groceries, dinners, clothes, tours, etc.

We did go into Savannah for the day. Gorgeous. Hot, humid, but gorgeous. The architecture, the history. I can see Matthew and me going there for one of our little anniversary excursions. But not for a few years. We have some major expenses projects coming up.
Onward and upward.

Mother of the Bride

While my head is trying to focus on the fundraiser (which should be a blast- when it's over!), I am distracted by my daughter's engagement. People have asked me if she's going to be a Bridezilla, and I just smile. She has her father and me to thank for her anger and impatient disposition. But I know she wants to keep this simple and affordable. And she's relieved to finally be engaged- not that there was a question of "if"; just "when."

So, after it was officially announced on her fiance's Facebook page, and people started weighing in, I put the information on mine as well  (several days after the proposal). Oops. MOB mistake number one. I hope that's the last one, but 15 months is a long time to go without making a mistake. We'll see what happens.

Meanwhile, we're preparing for the fundraiser, and prom, and an engagement party, and a graduation party- and my baby's graduating.... all in the next four weeks. Is that enough time to process all of this? Did they do this on purpose so I don't have time to stop and think about these transitions? The oldest engaged? The youngest leaving the nest? No more PTA meetings? Bake sales? Concerts? Permission slips? Even though the house isn't empty, two of my children will be so far away. Hard to believe. Just yesterday (literally, yesterday) Christine and Grace were hitting each other in church. For years I have been rolling my eyes with embarrassment, and now... I can't imagine not having them sitting there, next to me, driving me crazy. Thank goodness for chatting, and texting and Skype- Emily can still give Rosie a hard time- all the way across the country. And they'll all be home for Grace's graduation. But that's it. It's really happening. That transition where families are only together once or maybe twice a year. That is so strange to me. For twenty five years we have all been together, all the time. Should I have done a better job at alienating them so this would be easier? Ah well. They're independent AND they like being around us. Who could ask for more?

MOB Promise #1: I will not post the details of the wedding on Facebook without permission.
Promise #2: I will offer advice when asked; I will make faces when I am not.
Promise #3: I can't guarantee I will always agree with you, but I will offer you a margarita to change your mind.
Promise #4: I will not be part of the stress of this event. (see margarita above)
Promise #5: I will make more promises as they become necessary.

too much and not much

Moments: Trip through Tennessee, Illinois, Indiana and Ohio. Saw Uncle Jim, Aunt Jan, Nora, Jessie, Pedro, Alex and Leo; then Grandpa Wilson, Aunt Peg and Uncle John, Laithan (I never spell it right), and Joann; Brother Tom and Tish and Lilly and Sam; and then Grace's second mom Mary, Doug, Ian, The Abaffy's, and a bunch of people we used to know.

Preparing for DCAD & the Renaissance. Some days you want to walk out. Other days you're making wacky trophies or voodoo dolls in the gallery. Not enough time to get everything done, but tis the season of the hamster wheel.

Two weeks where the yard was perfect- the dogwood and red bud trees were in bloom, renegade tulips appeared, creeping phlox I had planted a few years ago, irises that were never transplanted from a pot, but bloom anyway. Then heat and rain and heat and rain- enough to make the shrubs go nuts and the weeds on the patio explode. Argh. But we have a plan of attack for the yard. The fountain is in, and MJ cleaned the little pond. There is already a lily getting ready to bloom- with no effort from us. Kind of like the kids.

Trying to not start thinking about Grace moving away, Emily being gone and Christine's big day (though it's very hard not to look at dresses).

Still reading Ellen Langer's books about mindfulness. This one is about being an artist and how ANYBODY CAN BE AN ARTIST!! How I hate the rules surrounding art. And I doubted myself when someone asked how my piece would be considered art. I said that it wasn't. I said that it wasn't!!!! But it was. I knew I wanted to create something fun and romantic. I gathered my favorite things- paint, gel medium, shells, glitter, stencils. I started with a color reminiscent of a beautiful platter MJ bought me- it was made with crushed mother-of-pearl, so it sparkled. A lovely shade of green- a little yellow, but not much. I covered the canvas with the green paint, then morphed into aqua, and finally into a deep teal at the bottom of the canvas. I painted and swirled and pushed the paint. I used a beautiful Moroccan-esque lacy stencil at the top -in gray. I put a few touches of German-glass glitter and jewels in specific spots on the gray. I added an argyle stencil on an angle towards the bottom. It reminded me of schools of fishes. I covered the bottom with shells, and stars and glitter, but very tiny ones, and incorporated a bit of handmade Japanese lace paper into the corner. It definitely mimicked a net. I went back and added Botticelli's Venus rising from the water. Very subtle, but as a Virgo, I tend to love Venus images. I felt her freedom, just as I had with the Renaissance theme this year- not being held back, and allowed to create my vision of an event. I finished with three small canvases that had a beautiful Dylan Thomas quote about loving like the depths of the sea. I attached them to the large canvas. So my whimsical, decorative canvas actually did have meaning and depth. It brought me joy while I was creating it. That is art. It is art. And it's my art.